An Unfortunate Situation
by Fother Mucker
Summary: Kylo does something he shouldn't have done. Both his life and his reputation end up hanging by a thread, who will save him from this dangerous situation? This doesn't take TLJ into account at all and presumably takes place before TFA. Basically a crack fic so don't take it seriously


**Oh boy, another disgusting story where Kylo has sexual relations with something he shouldn't! I don't know why I keep writing these things but it's pretty fun to come up with a really disturbing plot and apply it to a bunch of fictional characters. I was dealing with writer's block while trying to finish another story and this piece of satanic scripture came into existence somehow.**

 **Fun fact: The original unedited version of this story was exactly 69 KB in size. Sadly it is bigger now. :(**

Kylo Ren stormed into his private quarters after forcefully shutting the door behind his back. He reached up and swiftly removed his helmet, then unceremoniously dropped it onto the grey carpeted floor of the living room.

Although he was always in a rather foul mood, that day he was particularly angered by the condescending attitude of General Hux, which he had been forced to endure. Kylo tried to avoid interacting with the weasel as much as he could, but the Supreme Leader had called both of them to meet with him and be an audience to his newest plans for destroying the Resistance. Naturally that degenerate ginger made several remarks to make Kylo look bad all while putting on the guise of a loyal sycophant. The fresh memory of Snoke praising Hux before scolding Kylo for one of his recent failures made the force user feel like hurting either himself or someone else.

As he made his way to the bedroom Kylo began to disrobe, leaving a trail of black clothes on the floor in the hallway. By the time he reached the dresser next to his bed, he had already slipped out of his boxers and tossed them aside. A chill passed over his naked body and Kylo shivered. He crouched down and pulled open the bottom drawer of the dresser, which was where he kept all of his sex toys and BDSM paraphernalia. His eyes were greeted by the mouthwatering sight of buttplugs, fleshlights, anal beads, nipple clamps, ball gags, duct tape, cattle prods, riding crops, and dildos galore. Biting his lip, he carefully considered which object of pleasure he wanted to use before returning his focus to the top of his dresser. That was where he kept Darth Vader's helmet. Feeling daring and reckless, he chose the object he'd masturbate with.

Kylo grabbed a previously opened jar of vaseline from his bedside table. He greased the crusted old Sith helmet up with the vaseline, brushed the covers off of his bed, and climbed right in to fuck all of the emotional turmoil and suffering away. Getting into a position on his hands and knees with his ass up in the air, Kylo reached around with his arm and fingered his own puckered hole to prepare it. He gradually increased the number of fingers until he was stretched enough for the girth of the ancient relic to fit through his tender starfish.

Then, he forcefully maneuvered the helmet through his brown flower. His free hand balled into a fist around the bedsheet and since his eyes couldn't see what was going on behind him, he used the force to help guide the makeshift sex toy through the taut ring of muscle. At first he gently slid the edge of the object in and out about three inches deep, but he quickly mustered up the bravery to penetrate himself further. A satisfied moan escaped his lips and tears sprung up at the corners of his eyes as his dead grandfather's skull fused with its helmet stimulated his prostate.

Once he escalated to ramming nearly the entire thing into his body, his back began to arch and his dick hardened. He could feel his heart pounding under his ribs, like a panicked dove yearning to escape from its cage. From the waist down, his body was trembling with an indescribable pleasure that made the dark sider feel whole. The only way he could feel complete was in these dirty moments, when he was all alone and free to give in to his carnal instincts. He had no one to do it for him, so he had to make love to himself. Such was the tragedy of a man as lonely and desperate as Kylo Ren.

However, he would soon discover that his sexual activities would come with a hefty price. Just when his relentless plunging began to pull an orgasm from his chocolate tunnel, Kylo felt a piece of the burnt helmet snap off in his grip and his arousal was quickly replaced by alarm. He propped himself up on his elbows, digging them into the flexible and soft mattress beneath him. Upon throwing a glance over his shoulder, he made the dark discovery that the Sith helmet hadn't simply fallen out of him. It must have fallen _into_ him. The young force user frantically sat up and began to furiously rummage through the covers and the blankets. He even threw a cursory glance at the floor around his bed to confirm that the petrified item was not, in fact, anywhere to be found.

Suddenly Kylo was very alert to the heavy feeling of a foreign object being nestled deep within his rectal cavity. The powerful suction of his anal muscles must have siphoned the crumbled helmet into his bowels, much farther than he had intended for it to go.

"Oh no," he said softly before getting off of the bed and waddling a few meters to the bathroom. Maybe it wasn't a lost cause yet, he told himself as he unscrewed the cap from a bottle of hand soap sitting by the sink and poured an ample amount into his cupped hand. He propped one leg up on the toilet seat, spread his ass cheek, and plunged his lubricated hand into his anal cavity, murmuring a plea for his grandfather's spirit to lend him some guidance in this crisis. He wouldn't go to the med bay and ask anyone for help. He couldn't. He was Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader's deadly apprentice known for his violent outbursts and intimidating presence. There was no way he was about to go to the emergency room and allow some droid or medical practitioner to fish around in his rear end, or cut him open to retrieve the helmet from his insides. It would be the biggest embarrassment, the most suicidal move he could make in regards to his reputation. He told himself he wasn't going to let anyone find out about this masturbatory mishap.

After a half hour of probing around wrist-deep in his fart box, Kylo finally let out a defeated sigh and slid his hand back out. It was too late now; the dead Sith's helmet had traveled beyond his reach and there were no chances of getting it out all by himself. It wasn't easy for him to admit that he'd need help, being the prideful and stubborn man that he was. But at that point it wasn't worth it to risk letting the edges of the broken helmet perforate his intestines and needing a colostomy bag at the tender age of twenty-nine.

He washed his hands and looked up at his reflection in the mirror above the sink. He didn't look like the feared master of a group of force-wielding knights in that moment, but rather a frightened boy who had gone too far with his sexual experimentation and was now reluctant to face the consequences. Taking note of the dark circles under his own eyes, Kylo glanced over at the clock on the wall and realized it was well past the time when he should've gone to sleep. He pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. There he was, standing naked past midnight in his bathroom with a sore asshole and a petrified mass inside of his intestines. Not to mention how long it would take for him to get the damned thing taken out. He'd probably have to find a way to run on four hours of sleep the next day.

With a quiet yawn, he stepped back into the bedroom to hastily put his clothes back on. He knew who he'd have to go to if he wanted to get the object dislocated from his colon, but he wasn't very excited to do it. He stepped out into the corridor outside of his living space and winced upon noticing that he had forgotten his helmet. However, he had no precious time to waste by going back to fetch his _own_ helmet when his grandfather's was jostling about in his gut.

* * *

Snoke let out a gay laugh and clapped at the titillating show that his personal dancers had put on for him in his throne room. He leaned to the left, placing his stronger elbow on the throne's armrest to avoid putting weight on the weaker one.

"What a beautiful performance today, boys," the Supreme Leader exclaimed in a booming voice that echoed throughout the room. He readjusted the front of his silky black robes after they had begun to slip and reveal the unsightly deformity below his collarbone. "You are now dismissed." Having had his fill of watching naked young boys gyrate on each other's oiled up bodies, he contentedly stared ahead while an elite guard escorted them all into the lift single file. Then, he wordlessly beckoned a guard with a tray of champagne glasses to come over with the drinks.

Snoke took a satisfying, lengthy sip of the bubbling alcoholic beverage and sighed. As hard as he tried to drown out his true desires with liquor and nameless pieces of eye candy who meant nothing to him, at the end of the day his thoughts always came back to his apprentice. The heavily scarred and disfigured dark lord allowed his mind to dwell on Kylo Ren once more, if only for a minute. Yes, Kylo was a beautiful disaster, one that Snoke enjoyed toying around with. When he was feeling especially greedy and cruel, he'd summon his troubled apprentice and demand that he takes off that mask. He could already imagine that awkward, pale, face dotted with moles and those timid dark eyes that failed at hiding the young man's inner turmoil. All exposed for Snoke to see, and not for anybody else. Sometimes he had to fight the burning urge to caress Kylo's face and tilt his head up so he could get an even better look inside of him, to lick the soft curve of his jaw and give him a bold kiss-

"No," Snoke murmured to himself, shaking his head. His relationship with the grandson of Darth Vader could never be anything more than a teacher/student one. If he gave in and fed his physical cravings, it was too likely that he might break Kylo's beautiful body beyond repair and that would be a tragedy he could never come back from. Besides, it was very late and he should at least get a few hours of sleep. Sleep deprivation was particularly bad for his health, considering his tremendously old age and the numerous physical impediments he had acquired over the years.

He handed his empty glass to the aforementioned guard and sent him on his way, so he could rest upon his throne in private. Just as he leaned his misshapen spine against the back of the throne and shut his eyes, the sound of the lift ascending rattled him from his relaxed state. A spark of bitter annoyance arose within Snoke's chest. Who was it that so stupidly decided to interrupt him at this time? He started to plan a punishment for this late-night nuisance when the metal doors of the elevator slid open. The sight before him nearly caused his crooked jaw to drop.

"Kylo Ren?" he inquired in disbelief. However, his gruff voice must have carried an unintentional aggression with it, seeing how Kylo flinched in response. "What brings you here?"

"Oh- Supreme Leader... " the younger dark sider began uncomfortably, stuttering and avoiding eye contact. Shockingly, he had walked in without his helmet; Kylo was very careful about hiding his face behind the mask and never removed it around other people unless his master prompted him to do so. He was very insecure about his appearance and didn't want his identity to be known by the general public, so for him to come all the way to Snoke's throne room and not even bring his helmet at all... Well, it meant something truly catastrophic had happened.

Snoke narrowed his sunken, icy eyes and thoroughly examined the condition of his troubled apprentice. He noticed that Kylo's face was slightly flushed, and that he was standing in a very awkward pose. In fact, he hadn't really made any movements since he stepped out of the elevator. Was he injured? The Supreme Leader gently prodded the young man's mind with the force to determine what it was that he needed, since it appeared that he didn't want to verbalize his problem.

"I don't know why I did it, it was very foolish of me," Kylo blurted out in an apologetic tone, squeezing his eyes shut as he felt his mind be softly penetrated. Oh, if only he had been as gentle when he was penetrating himself earlier.

Upon finding the answer within Kylo's head, Snoke drew back slightly and pressed a gnarled hand over his mouth in surprise. He wasn't shocked to learn that Kylo masturbated in his free time like lonely single men tend to do, but the animalistic means through which he sought pleasure were definitely unexpected. The crippled, ancient being could only imagine that his apprentice would quietly and quickly stroke himself, not that he would get on all fours and insert sacred objects into his backside.

"So your salacious activities have gotten you into trouble," he started, rubbing his chin and grinning a most malicious grin.

"I need... assistance, Supreme Leader," Kylo replied with a nod, making a constipated facial expression as he felt Darth Vader's helmet move ominously inside of him. It almost seemed to be threatening his life.

"Come here," Snoke commanded understandingly. He patted his thigh and for the first time that night, his apprentice met his gaze before taking a few uncomfortable steps closer to the throne. The dark lord shook his head sadly, sensing the growing pain Kylo was feeling in his abdomen. When the young man got close enough, the Supreme Leader delicately secured his big hands around his waist and lifted him up to settle him on his lap. Kylo let out a high-pitched gasp at the sudden intimate contact and his blushing intensified. He had never been touched in this way by anyone and this was the closest he had ever been to his master. While Snoke appeared to be frail and physically weak, in that moment Kylo felt like the vulnerable one. And if he ever had questions about whether Snoke had a manhood, sitting on the crippled giant's lap made it clear that he was rather well-endowed.

Using the rough pad of his index finger, the Supreme Leader brushed a wavy lock of black hair away from his apprentice's sweaty face. The younger male shuddered, because the sensation was like that of sandpaper running across his flesh. He was getting increasingly more nervous about his decision to seek out his master's help, but it had already been too late to turn back the second he had stepped into that elevator. Now it was just a matter of gritting his teeth and waiting for it to be over.

"Please, do whatever you must... If it stays inside of me any longer, this might become very dangerous," Kylo stammered with a strained voice. He swallowed tensely. Snoke's large hand deftly removed his belt and began to tug at his pants. That was when he remembered that he had also forgotten to put on boxers in his haste earlier.

"Oh, I do understand how dire this situation is," Snoke said, his words soothing and reassuring. He carefully draped Kylo's pants over the armrest of his throne after removing them. "Now, I need you to stand in front of me and bend over. This may be unpleasant, but I need to do this to save your life, my boy." The now pantless apprentice slowly clambered down from the throne and positioned himself with his back to his master, who discreetly eyed his exposed body parts with lust. Kylo let out a labored exhale when he leaned forward to present his rear to his Supreme Leader, because the pressure of the obstruction within made it exceedingly hard for him to do so.

Snoke reached around and abruptly thrusted two of his fingers between Kylo's lips, earning a muffled cry of surprise from him.

"Suck. You wouldn't want me to enter you dry, would you?" the crippled being instructed with amusement in his gravelly voice. Sighing, the master of the Knights of Ren obeyed the command and began to lewdly suck on the fingers invading his mouth. He made sure to coat them with as much spit as his salivary glands could produce, if only to decrease the amount of discomfort that he'd feel during the extraction. Once Snoke's fingers were sufficiently pruney and wet, he decided it was time for the next step.

Kylo was temporarily relieved that he didn't need to suck any more of the Supreme Leader's body parts, but he knew he had only experienced the tip of the iceberg. He twitched slightly in response to the feeling of his left ass cheek being palmed by a cold, massive hand and tried his hardest to remain calm in the face of the probing that would soon commence.

"If... If I may ask," the black haired man hissed out as the first moist finger slipped into his anal cavity, "how will you reach the, uh..."

"Ancient Sith artifact, which you have defiled?"

"Yes, how will you get it out without some kind of special tool?" There were a few seconds of suffocating silence before the Supreme Leader delivered a sharp spank to Kylo's backside.

"My fingers _are_ special tools, you ungrateful child," Snoke cried out, offended by the insinuation that he'd need something other than his bare hands to perform this procedure. While Kylo hadn't anticipated that he'd get angry and hit him, the pain and humiliation combined with the finger inside of his asshole made him feel a little horny. He bit his tongue and hoped that Snoke wouldn't look down and see the erection growing between his legs. Now he was conflicted because he had absolutely no sexual attraction to any men, let alone one who looked as... unappealing as Supreme Leader Snoke. Yet the scenario itself was playing right into his fetishes, and he had to fight very hard not to give into these impure urges.

Fortunately, Snoke was quick to forgive his poor apprentice after realizing that he didn't intend to insult him in any way. Grinning to himself and showing off his maw of crooked yellow teeth, he slipped the second finger into Kylo's quivering hole. A great surge of satisfaction coursed through him when he heard a shaky breath escape the younger man's lips.

With slow and careful scissoring motions, the ancient being eased more of his hand through the Knight of Ren's sphincter. His hideous smile widened. Because Kylo had already played with his brown asterisk an hour in advance, there wasn't too much work left for Snoke as far as preparation goes. He didn't need to wait very long to insert his entire hand, up to his wrist, into his delicious boy. His palm took up the entirety of the rectum's space and his fingers, much longer and more sensitive than a human's, started to inspect the delicate walls of the young hole. A quiet groan came out when Kylo felt the fingertips drag past his prostate and cause him to experience a very brief pleasurable sensation. He shivered, wanting to clamp his thighs shut but not being able to do so while his master was in the process of turning him into a human hand puppet.

"Don't worry," Snoke hovered over Kylo's shoulder and whispered these comforting words into the crook of his neck. "It couldn't have traveled any farther than your large intestine. I will find it and remove it, and you will be free." He continued his probing, now elbow-deep inside of his student.

Kylo didn't know how much longer he could stand bent over like that. His back was starting to hurt and as gentle as Snoke's touch was, it caused him a great deal of agony alongside the wonderful throbbing. The tail end of his digestive system _was_ being stretched and pulled way past its limits, after all. He suddenly felt Snoke grab a fistful of his hair with his free hand. It took all of the restraint in his body to keep himself from moaning, now that he was fully erect. This would be the second time that day he'd be teased without the final reward of an orgasm.

The Supreme Leader brought his face closer to the back of his apprentice's head and took a long, sharp sniff of the sweet musky scent. His bony forearm was surrounded by the moist warm poop sleeve, his nimble digits tickling and caressing the walls of the passage in a desperate search. As his arm filled the tight spasming hole, Snoke could feel every one of Kylo's breaths and heartbeats. In that moment it was like the two dark side force users became one single unit, their souls and bodies joined together by Kylo's twitching bowels.

Then his knuckles brushed against a foreign object in the tunnel. Snoke froze. Could it be? He grasped the thing, feeling its rough yet fragile texture. Seizing it between his thumb and index finger, the wise dark force wielder yanked the helmet out of the younger man's turd cavern. Kylo made a sound somewhere between a squeak and a grunt, straightening his back and inhaling deeply. He turned to his master with a thankful look on his reddened face.

"S-Supreme Leader... thank you," he said shyly, taking back his pants and redressing so his privates could once more be concealed. Snoke only offered him a regal nod as well as Darth Vader's old headpiece, which was shiny with wet traces of fecal matter.

"It was my pleasure. You can always come to me with any problems you may have, Kylo Ren." Snoke casually handed off the grimy artifact to its new owner, ignoring his desires to continue their intimacies. He reclined in his throne and stretched his malformed spine, then tightly gripped the armrests and groaned erotically when his bones made cracking noises.

"Uh... I know what this whole thing looks like," Kylo explained and motioned towards the fouled helmet he was holding, "but I swear I'm not gay. I know it's mostly gay men who participate in... anal activities, but I'm attracted to women. Please believe me." A single droplet of sweat rolled down his temple as he anticipated a response from his master.

Snoke gazed down at his pleading apprentice in disbelief. He told himself every day that it was very unlikely his relationship with Kylo would ever advance to a non-platonic level, but this kind of blatant rejection was hurtful. The almighty ruler of the First Order had just saved this younger man's large intestine, and now he had to look at his adorable face and listen to him talk about why he would never reciprocate his feelings. Nevertheless, this was not the right time to lash out or profess his spurned love. He simply ground his misaligned teeth and waved a hand dismissively.

"Yes, I know," he replied, trying hard not to let the pain creep into his voice. "Now leave. Go to sleep. I imagine you'll need a lot of it after this ordeal." After Kylo respectfully bowed his head and the elevator doors slid shut behind him, Snoke allowed a tear to pave a wet path down his scarred cheek. He had to pretend he didn't want to get that close to Kylo ever again and that he didn't love him.

He needed to convince himself that he didn't enjoy being inside of the boy who would never be his.

 **So turns out it is actually pretty common for people to go to the ER with random objects stuck inside of their asses. And I don't actually ship this but let's be honest, Snoke probably banged Kylo at least once. I refuse to believe otherwise.**


End file.
